Halfway Out of the Dark: Candles, Christmas, And the Winter Solstice

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Flickr CC Markus Grossalber

It was thirty-two degrees that morning as I stood at my regular bus stop next to 7-Eleven. I’ve never done well with cold temperatures, so I pulled out all my winter gear: down vest, black water-proof jacket (a wardrobe staple in the Seattle region), thick socks, winter hat, and gloves.

Right below the bus stop sign there were glass candle holders with pictures of Jesus and the Virgin Mary. The weather hadn’t been that great that week—lots of wind and rain (it’s Washington, so mostly rain). But the four candles were burning.

There was a balloon on a stick that was stuck into the ground reading, “I love you.” Another read, “Thinking of you.” There were flowers strewn around the ground. The artificial ones were still standing up smartly, still holding their color. But the bouquets of real flowers hadn’t survived all the rain and had turned into a soggy mess of petals, stems, and tissue paper on the concrete.

I’d brought flowers, too. I’d written a card. I’d made a sign reading that the regular riders of our bus route remembered. That I remembered. But now it was all gone, just a part of the water-logged mess.

But the candles burned on.

I hadn’t known the victims—a seventeen-year-old boy and his father. They’d been sitting at the bus stop around five in the afternoon, right at peak when they charge you an extra 25 cents. They’d just been sitting there at their regular stop. At my regular stop. And someone drove by and shot them right there.

The younger brother was there too, but he wasn’t hit. But that’s not true, not really. He wasn’t hit; he was shattered. His world ended at five o’clock in the afternoon as the rush hour traffic was just beginning to form.

Lives were taken. Lives were shattered. Evil left its mark. Darkness entered our bus stop and our neighborhood.

But the candles burned on.

Candles like that don’t keep burning forever. They have to be lit, and relit. It was morning. It was cold. But someone had already been there to light them. Someone made sure that they burned on. There were puddles of wax around the candles. They had obviously tipped over, spilling hot wax onto the cement. But someone had righted them. Someone had relit them.

The candles burned on during the longest nights of the year.

As a small child I didn’t even know when the Winter Solstice was but I’d been warned against it. I imagined pagans dancing around bonfires, casting spells, and playing with tarot cards as The Satanic Bible peeked out of their back pockets. The Winter Solstice was spiritually scandalous. It was the time when all the dark things crept out from under that dusty, cluttered spot under your bed; all the mischief and mayhem that lurked in the shadows, afraid of the light, beckoned to one another to come out and play.

But now, as an adult, I’m beginning to find a tremendous amount of comfort in the Winter Solstice. It’s a time of darkness, but not dark doings. It’s a time for light to shine. It’s a time for the candles to burn on when we need them most.

Every time I stand at my bus stop I’m reminded that somewhere, very nearby, a family is mourning. For them this festive time of year is undoubtedly a time of anguish. Their hearts are grieving, hurting. If the Wise Men showed up at their home, they’d bring myrrh.

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb

I have two friends whose fathers passed away recently. They’re living in the shadow of death as Jingle Bells pays on the radio; living in the isolated valley of grief and loss.

There were four warm, friendly white-haired women who sat in front of the husband and me at church—I think of them as our Lutheran grandmothers. These adorable older women have helped their church to feel safe to me despite my Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome. And I found out this Sunday that one of them passed away. Her funeral service will be three days before Christmas, on the longest night of the year.

I had to call 911 last week because of a domestic disturbance across the street. I looked out the window when I heard scared children screaming, “No, Dad! No!” to see an angry man waving a large kitchen knife aggressively as his children jumped into a car that quickly pulled out of the parking lot, driving them to safety. I feel like I haven’t even recovered from the scene, so I know the children haven’t.

So much darkness. So much hurt. And that’s only looking at the small sliver of humanity that I have access to. When I turn on the news or read articles online I’m greeted with more darkness, more bleakness. So much violence. So much pain. So much sorrow. So many people in need of shelter and safety. So many people who are afraid, and rightfully so.

I don’t know how to handle it, this darkness. So much death and grief and brokenness, so much pain. The darkness is so thick that sometimes it makes me feel like I’m chocking. And December, despite all of the holiday lights and super sales, has a way of making that worse.

December is a time of year that can bring with it great joy and also great sadness. It’s like the Great Multiplier. Whatever feelings you’ve been experiencing already are multiplied, accentuated, and accelerated. When you’re already feeling an ache in your chest, tears are already threatening you at gun point, it makes it even worse. So much worse.

One of the most comforting moments in this month for me is on Christmas Eve. The nativity, whether it’s history or myth, brings comfort in the middle of these cold, dark nights as I hold my red pew hymnal and my candle while singing Joy to the World. It’s a joyful, beautiful, precious, light-filled moment.

The candle burns on.

I have a thing about candles. They can be symbolic or spiritual or sentimental or sensual or scented (and I’m sure all sorts of other alliterations I can’t currently think of). A little bit of light in a very dark time.

This little bit of light doesn’t fix everything. Or anything, for that matter. It doesn’t mean death hasn’t touched our lives; it doesn’t mean that existential crises have come to a close; it doesn’t mean healing has finally been achieved; it doesn’t that we’re feeling all sappy and sentimental every time we hear Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Last Christmas playing over the noise of people shopping. It doesn’t mean things are fixed. It doesn’t even mean things are okay. It doesn’t mean we like the holidays or any of this.

Candles don’t fix things. They don’t heal things. But they provide just a little bit of light.

To me the light—symbolic and literal—this week of the Winter Solstice and Christmas reminds me that I did it. It reminds me of a line from my favorite Doctor Who Christmas special, a sci-fi retelling of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol: “On every world, wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact mid-point, everybody stops and turns and hugs. As if to say, ‘Well done. Well done, everyone! We’re halfway out of the dark.’ Back on Earth we call this Christmas. Or the Winter Solstice.”

The holidays can be an extremely hard time of year for a lot of people. And if you’re feeling that way, may the longest night of the year, the Winter Solstice, remind you that you’re halfway out of the dark.

In a few days the holidays will be over. In a few days we’ll be changing out the calendars. In a few days you take down the holiday wreath, burn the tree, and never be forced to say merry fucking Christmas for an entire year. In a few days the sun will begin to resurface. In just a few days.

Well done. Well done, everyone. We’re halfway out of the dark.

9 thoughts on “Halfway Out of the Dark: Candles, Christmas, And the Winter Solstice

  1. I love your writing – don’t mean to sound mushy or kitsch, but I love reading your posts -it’s like I ‘feel’ them as I read them – which is awesome – mostly (except when it’s sad or angry or whatever). If you wrote a book I would buy it! I love your style, your compassion, your heart for hurting people, your realness and truth and your honesty. Thank you again – so much – for saying what others of us think but can’t get the words out in the way that you can 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this post. So peaceful, healing, refreshing. I walked out of my house today with the thought, “Today is the shortest day of the year.” Thanks for bringing it home for me, Kelsey. Merry Christmas to you and yours, C

    Liked by 2 people

  3. jean47

    Thank you, Kelsey, for writing this. For sharing your experience of the season with us. You are in touch with some of the same grief and sadness that I, and countless others, are.

    What you wrote about the candle, the little bit of light, the way that our feelings- whether good or bad- get magnified this time of year- Thank you.
    Thank you.
    I can apply it as a balm to my raw/scarred wounds, my searing pain/dull ache.

    My Mom died 2 years ago this coming January 9. She was 91- a long life. One of the coldest winters we’ve had. I like to think that she’d simply had enough of the cold. A couple of days after Christmas she was taken to the hospital. I had to sign her into hospice on New Year’s Eve.
    The entire holiday season was already tanked for me in 2011 when my oldest brother died right before Thanksgiving.
    Probably ever since my Dad died in 1988.
    My family has actually been in various states of major discord or Cold War or uneasy peace ever since.
    I also took on the grief of the whole family, I now realize this.
    All of this, and many other situations and feelings, has had me (internally ) alternately-
    1.)lying in fetal position on the bed, waiting desperately for January 2.
    2.)Running, screaming, from the whole season.
    3.) making fun of the sentimental corniness of it all.
    4.) Countless moments of fighting back tears in the grocery store, or any store, or anywhere that damn music is being piped in.
    Or in church. ( I haven’t belonged to a church for 3 years, since my small church splintered.)
    During the service.
    In front of people.
    I’m not kidding.
    5.) Avoiding many aspects of Christmas that I actually enjoy, because of the way I can’t stand my feelings and the situations in both mine and my husband’s families.

    This year, I have been gently coaxed back in a bit by my husband’s- surprisingly for him- more than mild enthusiasm for the decor. It’s been a springboard of encouragement for me. In one day, we decorated the house.

    Anyway…

    I’m ” Letting the Patrick Swayze Christmas In” – as a song from an old Mystery Science Theater 3000 says ( they wrote a Christmas song about his Roadhouse character- but I digress).
    Pee Wee Herman did a Christmas special back in the 80’s. I just saw it.
    Charlie Brown…

    I’m listening to songs, watching movies- A Holiday Affair- a wonderful late 1940’s classic with the cutest kid ever- and if I cry, well, then, I cry.
    And then, I cry again!
    I leave the room if I can, and come back.
    I have much Kleenex.

    At any rate, your touchingly real yet hopeful blog post…
    A gift.
    Thank you.
    Merry Christmas to you, Kelsey.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Candles remind me that no matter how much darkness comes, the light is still there. Many try to extinguish it but the light can be ignited again. A friend once said to me that the light at the end of the tunnel is only temporary switched off.

    Like

  5. johnberk

    I had a blast reading this. Your thoughts resemble mine. In the cheer and joy of the Christmas holiday, there is a lurking fear of death. It seems as if it was worse to die during the Christmas season than in any other period of the year. What does it mean? Solstice, candles and the social euphoria and festivities. I take Christmas not as a religious celebration, but rather an opportunity to balance my thoughts about the life itself.

    I think about the current refugee crisis, about the insecurity, about how this world does not feel the same everywhere. There are always people who can’t appreciate life (or even death in a sense) as we do, who don’t have time to think about holidays, because they are running for their lives.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for providing this light. Being a teacher I often correct parents when they approach education as the filling of a bucket. I en”lighten” them by showing rather that is the lighting of a flame to start a fire that will burn in all eternity. Your post just added that spark to the waiting kindling.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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